I smeared my own fecal matter over the local war memorial.

Police have released the image of a man wanted in connection with wiping excrement on two women in Ramsbottom.

The first incident happened on Friday 12 October 2012 at around 11.30pm when the 46-year-old victim was on a night out in the Oakes pub on Bridge Street.

A man walked into the men’s toilets before approaching the woman. He appeared to wipe something on her arm before walking off. It was only when he walked away, she realised it was excrement.

The second incident took place at the same pub at around 9pm on Thursday 25 October 2012 when a man again walked into the men’s toilet and approached a 52-year-old woman. She felt her clothing being touched and looked down to see excrement on her sleeve.

I appear to have had my 15 minutes of fame Space Ban­dit.