A SPATE of restaurant fires in Heaven has been linked to Tony Soprano.

www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/celebrity/he...-fires-2013062173031

THE royal family must embrace the ‘fantasy saga’ aspect of its nature, it has been claimed.

Pre-Jubilee research by the Institute for Studies asked the UK public what it would like to see from the monarchy apart from it giving them more days off work.

Professor Henry Brubaker said: “The popularity of Game of Thrones proves there is still an appetite for people in metal hats behaving like gods, princesses, castles and so forth, provided there is a sufficient element of fantasy.

“Rather than attempting to be more ‘relatable’ and ‘modern’ by focusing on the mundanity of William and Kate’s Waitrose outings, the Windsors need to start wearing bear skins and sailing big wooden ships around looking for dragon eggs.

“By amplifying their inherent absurdity in this way, they would capture the hearts of a nation that doesn’t want to buy an expensive HBO subscription to enjoy wanton escapism.”

Professor Brubaker’s report suggests Prince William should be renamed Eldric Bloodstorm and sent on a quest for a magical pebble that can restore the British Empire and prevent war with Scotland.

He also believes the Queen should ride around on a giant wolf, and that Prince Andrew should employ an evil sorceress to beguile the Duchess of Cambridge into his bed, leading to the birth of a vengeful one-eyed homunculus that will eventually challenge for the throne.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford said: “I think the Queen should have a false eye made of something called ‘dragonstone’, Prince Edward should be somehow made into a wise-cracking dwarf and Prince Philip can stay pretty much the same.”

BRITAIN'S police could once again be able to kick the bejesus out of terror suspects after stop and search powers were declared illegal by some communist homosexuals.

The European Court of Homosexual Rights ruled in favour of two filthy beatnik types who were detained outside an arms fair on suspicion of being too poor to buy an Apache helicopter.

A Metropolitan Police spokesman said: "Following this ruling we will at last be able to re-equip our stations with lengths of rubber hose and custody sergeants with dreadful eyesight."

He added: "For years we protected the British public with a friendly smile and a size eleven shoe to the teeth. But there are many more potential terrorists these days and it can be quite difficult to know exactly who to stop and beat.

"Back in the 1970s you just waited until they ordered a pint of Guinness before hoofing them squarely in the apples and breaking their collar bone with a handy flight of stairs."

Home Office Minister David Hanson said he was disappointed the Terrorism Act had been incorrectly applied to non-brown suspects and promised new legislation to set out the precise beard length and halal-ishness of its intended targets.

Nathan Muir, a lawyer for the human rights group Liberty who represented the beatnik scum, said: "I know people are worried about the ever-increasing powers of the police, but they should try spending eight hours a day with a couple of malcontented hippies.

"I have to dry clean my suit twice a week to get rid of the stink of tofu flatulence and socialism. All my uni mates work in corporate law and are knee deep in coke, Aston Martins and high-grade poon. I'm such a loser."

Andy Murray’s tennis victory has put ordinary Britons under immense pressure to be less shit, experts have warned.

Workers who previously had no difficulty getting away with utter mediocrity have already reported increased levels of expectation.

Swindon-based Tom Logan said: “Immediately there was a text from my boss saying ‘Let’s ace tomorrow’s sales figures, the sky’s the limit!’ Jesus.

“I don’t want to excel, like most people in this country I want to do the bare minimum and dick about a bit on the internet.

“The England football team had been excellent role models – basically turning up and wanking it out with deeply average results.

“That’s the level of achievement I’m comfortable with. This whole ‘winning’ thing seems new and weird.”

Office administrator Mary Fisher said: ”I have a bad feeling about all this, like I’m now going to be expected to do stuff. Apparently my team leader at work is already ‘inspired’ and my husband wants to try some athletic new sex things.

“Murray could have come second, everyone would have said nice things and felt a moderate amount of pride. But no, he had to go for the glory.

“Everyone’s talking about him like he’s some sort of hero, but I think he’s a very selfish man.”

Leading scientists have warned Britons not to attempt doing any work today.

Over the past week the weather had been hot to the extent that work was possible but extremely difficult.

However temperatures will today pass the tipping point beyond which work is no longer possible.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “You cannot work in this. No way.

“Even if you’ve got all the windows open and a fan going. And air conditioning doesn’t really work, it makes the air really stuffy and germy.”

Professor Brubaker confirmed the temperature today would be ‘really hot’.

He said: “If you try to think about work things, for example processing lab results, you will just die. Your brain would burst because of ‘heat pressure’.

“People can go into work if they want but it’s pointless and they certainly should not be forced.”

Meteorologist Tom Booker confirmed that Britain is currently more like a hot country: “The only work you can do in this sort of weather is very slowly mending a fishing net while sitting on a small jetty.

“Not sure what it’ll be like in the rest of the week, too hot to do any forecasts today.”

Iain Duncan Smith has decided to stop dicking about and move the unemployed into dog-patrolled ‘job camps’.

The camps are intended to help jobseekers back into work with training in hard manual labour and prominently placed motivational slogans such as ‘Jobs will make you free’.

Duncan Smith said: “All we’re doing is taking the confusing system of dozens of different benefits and replacing it with heavily guarded labour camps.

“Guests will be encouraged to develop a strong work ethic with a 6am roll call enforced by G4S ‘kapos’, and will also learn new skills, such as making their own wooden clogs.

“The new camps should not be confused with anything from history although they will be surrounded by machine gun posts and staffed by a new army regiment known as ‘special soldiers’.


In no way aroused by all this

“Living in a camp is really no different to living in a house, if your house was inside a high barbed wire fence patrolled by hostile dogs and you happened to have watery soup for dinner every evening.

“I’ll be taking a hands-on approach by visiting every camp personally in my special uniform, which is only black because it’s a very practical colour and doesn’t show the dirt.”

Camp inmate Tom Logan said: “The constant barking of Alsatians makes it hard to concentrate on filling in job application forms.

“Also I’ve had my clothes taken away, I’m not sure how being naked all the time is giving me my dignity back.”

G4S ‘kapos’

Men were declared obsolete last night after scientists finally perfected a dildo that can remove spiders from a bathtub.

The invention, described as the 'Holy Grail of dildo technology' will come with a free scrunchy and a bag of synthetic sperm and be in the shops in time for a man-free Christmas.

Inventor Professor Holly Brubaker said: "Upon discovering a spider the woman simply points the dildo at it and presses the big, pink button marked 'icky spider'.

"The dildo will emit an ultrasonic pulse and the spider will then run as fast as it can for the nearest available exit."

She added: "The woman can then return to pleasuring herself by candlelight while eating a big bowl of chocolate buttons and reading about the fat parts of all the celebrities she watches on Living TV."


You're the best, Icky-Spider Dildo

News of the breakthrough has led to a wave of nostalgia among women for the men they will soon be chasing down the garden path with one of their own golf clubs.

Emma Bradford, from Peterborough, said: "I think what I'll miss most is being spoken to like a child by someone who thinks he's the cleverest person in the world because he read the answers to all the Trivial Pursuit questions when he was 15."

Jane Gerving, from Hatfield, said: "I'll miss living with the funniest man in the universe. He's just so very fucking funny. All the time."

She added: "And of course, I'll miss the farts. The unrelenting tsunami of God awful, eye-watering, gut-wrenching farts."

Tom Logan, a pointless unit from Doncaster, said: "I got rid of a bat once. Can your dildo get rid of a bat?"

Scientists now predict the last man will have the last wank sometime in 2093.

Lots of men shriek like girlies when they see a spider anyway.

Bongobongland last night insisted it has never received a penny in international aid.

The country’s president spoke out after UKIP MEP Godfrey Bloom claimed all of Britain’s £11bn aid budget was being sent to the small west African nation.

President Brian Inkatwe said: “We get by on our own. I think it’s because no-one actually believes we exist.

“I have written to the UN on several occasions asking them if they could give us advice on starting a rural banking scheme, but every time they write back and tell me that the phrase ‘Bongobongoland’ is horribly racist and that I should stop wasting their time.

“Some aid would be nice as our economy has suffered since Chinese factories started pumping out cut price bongos.”


Are your bongos Chinese?

Bongobongoland sits between Liberia and the Ivory Coast and was a British colony until 1959. When it was granted independence everyone in Britain assumed the news reports referred to the entire African continent.

President Inkatwe added: “Our neighbours in Liberia receive some aid money and as far as I can tell most of it does actually get spent on making people’s lives just a tiny bit better. Not as good as yours or Godfrey Bloom’s obviously, but just not horrible all the time.

“No doubt some of it gets siphoned off and spent on fancy sunglasses, but people are shits wherever you go.

“Except Britain of course. Everyone in Britain is just fucking brilliant.”

The social stigma against smoking pot into middle age has been officially lifted.
It had previously been deemed unacceptable to smoke weed beyond 30, at which point most people stop doing drugs altogether or just have a few self-conscious lines of cocaine at aspirational dinner parties.

Government drugs advisor Tom Booker said: “While cannabis will remain illegal – for what that’s worth – it’s time to stop ostracising older smokers as ‘hippies’, ‘weird uncles’ and ‘people who never got their shit together’.

“Cannabis can be part of a functional middle-aged lifestyle, particularly if you do a lot of things that involve sitting very still, like fishing or watching the snooker.”

42-year-old pothead Julian Cook said: “This is wonderful news.

“My wife finds my weed smoking embarrassing. She says it robs me of my ambition, but I’m the senior partner in a mid-sized accountancy firm – how much ambition does she want?

“It’s just a social conditioning thing, she consumes Merlot like it’s going out of fashion but I can’t have a bifter because we’re ‘not at college now’.

“She even comes into the spare room when I’m smoking a naughty and opens the windows in a passive-aggressive manner.

“Also she keeps hiding my Santana LPs because she thinks we should listen to tepid singer-songwriters and sexy violinists, ‘like normal people do’.”

Bet ya didn't know you were middle aged!

Triffid Julian Cook mysteriously arrived on Earth six months ago as part of a cluster of strange space-seeds.

He said: “To get the best view, use a pair of binoculars.


“Stare at it for ages”

“That should magnify the beautiful, blinding light.

“Of course any resulting sight impairment will only be temporary.

“We’ll be certain not to pick you off with our deadly whip-like stings while you crawl in the gutter like hapless prey animals.

“Then feast on your succulent decaying flesh.

“No way would we triffids do that – it’s just not how we roll.”

Cook confirmed that he and all his fellow giant sentient plants were safely locked up in pens at the high-security triffid farms where they were being bred for their valuable oils.

“We’re quite happy in these big cages. It’s hardly as if we’re all conspiring in our weird clattering tongues, plotting for the day when the Earth will finally be ours – all ours.

“We wouldn’t be into that.”

'Cafe quiche thieves' in armed stand-off in Berwick

Two men were involved in a six-hour stand-off with police after breaking into a cafe to "steal quiche".

The men barricaded themselves into Cafe@Marshalls in Berwick-upon-Tweed in the early hours of Sunday.

Witnesses said dozens of officers in riot gear, with Tasers and dogs, spent hours trying to talk the men out.

Cafe owner Angela Marshall said: "Apparently they were hungry for quiche but when the police came they started wafting knives about."

She added: "People come from all over for our quiche, but that was taking it a bit far.

"It was really exciting, very surreal and the most exciting thing to happen in Berwick for a while."
'Armed with knives'

A Northumbria Police spokeswoman said two men aged 20 and 21 had been arrested and charged with burglary and affray.

"Officers on patrol disturbed two intruders inside a cafe at Derwent Water Terrace in Berwick", she said.

"The two men who were armed with knives refused to come out of the premises and threatened police.

"After speaking with officers the men were arrested.

"No-one was injured during the incident."