50 Shades of Grey Conspiracy Theory

July 10, 2012 by Huston

I had to see what the fuss was all about, so today while the family and I were at Costco, I picked up one of their several hundred copies of 50 Shades of Grey, opened to the middle, and read three pages (the end of chapter 18 and the beginning of chapter 19).

Wow. Everything I’ve heard about it seemed confirmed in just those three pages: an insecure, immature female narrator finds her security in submitting to a powerful man whose own stability is less than healthy.

So basically, it’s Twilight, except that the writing here is absolutely execrable. I know we all make fun of Twilight, but Stephanie Meyer’s writing really isn’t awful, just servicable–it’s a plain, dull instrument, but at least it’s competent.

But E.L. James’s writing is so bad it’s scary. I haven’t seen supposedly professional writing this bad since Eragon. I read plenty of labored narration and stilted dialogue in just those three pages (“Holy cow! I’m going to meet his parents!” sticks out in my memory right now), as well as botched metaphors and hilariously juvenile descriptions of sex.

It’s so wretched that I have to wonder if it’s on purpose. Here’s my theory: 50 Shades of Grey was actually written by a group of misogynistic 12-year-old boys. These jerks have a twisted plan: they want millions of women to fall in love with this stuff, identify with it, and publicly proclaim allegiance to it (a blockbuster movie is in the works).

Once stage one of the plot is complete, the boys will reveal their scheme to the world. They wrote the book to embarrass women everywhere. They want to confirm every pitiful anti-woman stereotype out there. Fans of the book will be exposed as emotionally damaged, and women’s public image will be set back half a century.

So far, their plan is coming off without a hitch.

Be suspicious, ladies. Be very suspicious. I smell a trap.

^ Good point.

Gilly wrote:
Indeed. Sex apart, falling in love with and committing yourself to someone is in itself an act of submission.

Mandy

Dumb it down for me,what's it basically about,I have heard of it also

some fat chick wrote it as a fan fiction or something i think.
when she could take her mind off donuts, she thought about getting ass raped in a dungeon and decided to make a book about it.
its all true. look it up.

batou wrote:
Ooh, donuts you say? Yum!

I've just looked at a funny review. Where I mentioned Mills & Boon, this describes it as...

“It’s Mills and Boon with butt plugs,” said Kathy Lette. “It taps into a lot of women’s need for non-consensual sex,” explained Bonnie Greer. “We’re fed up making decisions every day, we just want to be dominated sometimes,” was the conclusion of a reading group. “I don’t know a woman who wants an anal fisting of a Friday night,” disagreed Rachel Johnson.

Gilly wrote:


Or indeed any night...



Mandy

quietgirl wrote:
Quite!

Anything that goes on between consenting adults to tickle their fancy is fine by me, but the likes of this Bonnie Greer person are a bit of a menace when they behave as though they're speaking on behalf of all woman-kind, don't you think? Are you 'consenting' if you want someone to do something to you against your will?