I've been going back and forth on wether I should write about this or not. It's such a sensitive issue to me. On one hand I do not want to gossip about anyone or spread bad rumours but on the other hand I have really been scratching my head about what to do about this and I feel the need to vent and have some input. Please, if anyone is thinking about trolling this thread or making joke-remarks or being judgemental, just please don't. Also if anyone feels it is their duty to make come with a suggestion like "Call the cops" or "Call the social services on them" or anything like that just please, in advance, shut your mouth. I will not call the police, the SS, a dr or any such institution because I am not a total idiot. There. I hope though that there will be no such tendencies from the people reading this but I was thinking of what would have happened if I had posted on DIF.

I don't have many friends. Me and my daughter mostly hang out with my close family but recently I have started to pay visits to my neighbours and gotten to know them somewhat. I've always considered Mr. Neighbour to be a jerk and that attitude has intensified now since the latest developements but MRS. Neighbour I've always thought well off. Up until now. Mr. and Mrs neighbour has two sons, one three and one eight years old. They are very nice boys and my daughter likes playing with the youngest one, even though she is even younger than him. I have been happy that she has someone nearby that she can play with since I am not the most sociable of people and getting playfriends for her will not be easy for me. The older boy has so much character. Unlike other boys in his age se is so sensitive, empathic and intuitive. I do like him. He has been bullied in school because of his way of being but the parents thinks they have dealt with that now and maybe the have. This boy seems to have some kind of need to have me in his life. I used to think it was because he misses his old neighbour, in whos house I now live in, but now I'm starting to suspect he is generally needy because he is not happy at home. Perhaps is doesn't feel connected to his parents, which wouldn't surprise me because in comparison to him they seem shallow. He seems to have great emotional needs because of his sensitive nature. Fine, it's not easy to have a boy like that but what really gets to me is that sometimes I notice the father teasing him and putting him down. I feel his father generally is very selfish and immature, doesn't spend time with his kids (even though he is home all the time) and he gets angry for stupid reasons when he should have the generosity and selfcontrol of an adult. I put up with this. I even held my peace, maybe I shouldn't have. It's difficult telling off another parent in their own house. How exactly do you approach a thing like that?

Anyway, up until a few weeks ago I have visited them anyway and put up with it, but now they have this other woman, a friend of Mrs. neighbour, who is visiting from abroad, living with them for a while and they have started making these lewd sexual jokes! Especially Mr Neighbour. When I first heard one I just thought it was stupid and disgusting. He keeps hinting towards sexual activity with both women in words and gestures and they both seem to think it is funny! The last time I visited was at the afternoon on midsummer and then I feel they crossed a line. I was playing with my girl and the boys in one of the upstair bedroom when I realised she needed to change her diaper but I had forgotten them at home. Both Mrs and her friend was there and my girl seemed fine with both of them. So I asked if they could watch her while I nipped over to my place to fetch a new diaper. They said that was fine and I did so as quick as I could but when I came back I was met by this scene: Mr had entered the room. He was lying on top of Mrs in missionary position. Mrs was shriek-laughing, her legs spread widely with her feet in the air. They were wearing clothes, mr was wearing only shorts and mrs was wearing shorts and t-shirt. Beside them, standing on the floor was the friend of mrs and she was just laughing too! In the room with them were both their little boys, the three-year old and the eight year old and MY LITTLE GIRL! What the hell is going on here? Is this okay behaviour to you? I feel sick to say I stayed a few hours after they had done this but I hadn't had time to process it. Nothing of that nature happened the remainder of my stay. How the hell do I relate to my neighbours now? They think of me as a friend of the family and they live right next door to me and the oldest boy, as I've said, has expressed a need to have me in his life and his needyness seems to imply that he doesn't have it so good at home. I've invited the oldest boy over to my place today so that we can hang out without me having to be in his parents place with my girl. But eventually my neighbours will wonder why I am avoiding them and what about the youngest boy? Any thoughts on all this?

Having the boy over to your house may not be a good idea, because of the temperament of the parents and the sensitivity of the boy, who's mood and attitude towards you could change in a second.

These people are of a different mentality than you,and have different moral values,but looks like no crime is being committed, other than a moral judgement, and the possibility of things in a sexual nature between consenting adults happening.

In my opinion alienating yourself from them may be your best option,and focus on what their reaction is to your backing away, friendly or hostile or indifferent, that will tell you a lot.

You can't change them, and it could turn unfriendly between you and them, realize and understand that could happen,be wary of them for sure . imo.

I think I'd just distance myself from them without actually falling out - still smile & be friendly, but offer reasons not to spend time with them if invited. But when I say, "them", I mean the parents, not the kids.

If the parents don't object to their son spending time with your family, and you're happy to have his company, maybe just welcome him as a guest when he calls round, and don't let his parents' bawdy behaviour prey on your mind,

I expect your own instincts will guide you as to what's best, even though it's good to discuss things that are bothering you.

I hope it all works out peaceably.

I have to agree with both Rick and Gilly.
You won't change these folks and the best strategy is to quietly put some distance between them, you and yours.
The unfortunate thing is that although I can see your reasons for bringing their boy over to your place to play with your daughter, you have to anticipate that one day that offer may be reversed and you are faced with allowing your girl to be over there without you.

The dad may be the crux of the problem but he has his enablers who participate, giggling, without protest or consideration for the kids.

Walk away quietly. Be busy doing other things with your wee one.

@Rick: I don't think his attitude towards me can change in seconds. I think you may have the wrong idea about sensitive people. I am a very sensitive person and I don't flip flop between attitudes towards people. By sensitive I mean he takes insults hard and reads insults into things that werent meant as insults and perhaps reads insults that were not consciously made by people but I'm sure he is very ready to forgive too. A bit like me in other words. Also he has a warm eyes and is very open towards other people in a way that I find innocent and defenceless. I feel a kinship and that I have something to give him in helping him to be proud of and handle his emotions. A kind of duty, if you like, but of course my main duty is towards my daughter.

@ Gilly: Yes, you're probably right. I like this answer. I think I will refrain from active contact with them but if the boys want to come over, they are welcome. At least the older one to begin with. I'm not sure I could handle having both of them here at once since my girl is sensitive about others touching her stuff and the youngest one needs a lot of attention when I need to focus on her. I'm just going to let things pan out the way they do and know that life will provide the solution to eventual issues that come up in this relationship but I will not go over to their house again, be polite and generally avoid contact with Mr. Neighbour.

As it were, the oldest boy did not show up today. I don't know why. We'll see what happens.

Fairyelfdog wrote:
exactly why was he bullied in school? He is physically different in some way,like heavy or frail?

The boy is eight. I am not sure why he was being bullied in school but I think it was because of his sensitive nature which makes him an easy target. He probably acts very differently from the other kids too, very familiar that. He is not physically different. His weight is normal. He is a healthy looking young lad with brown hair and eyes. His parents took him to capoeira and since hes learned that other kids have stopped bullying him. Well done, actually.

Fairyelfdog wrote:
Well go with what you think I guess,for some reason you have strong feelings about this,,just stay very aware how the parents of the boy react to you and any changes ,and if I were you I would not ask the boy to many personal questions about his family, or what goes on over there..

Aw this is a toughie. I can completely understand your concern, Fairy. I think what everyone else suggested are wise options to consider. I myself, would probably silently distance myself and still allow the children to play with one another.

Like you, I would most likely find myself drawn to the little empathetic boy and wouldn't mind his company over as a guest. I love children and the sounds of them laughing and playing around. But as someone pointed out, there may come a time when that is reversed. Knowing me, if my child is as young I would not let her out of my sight for a visit that long. Its not that I would not trust them as friends, just a child too young to speak and tell me anything. I would not feel comfortable, so the friends would have to understand, unless I was over there with my child then that is the only way. Hope thats not seen as an excuse, its just how I am.

Mr. neighbor sounds like he has very little tact and respect for his family. In this situation, if it comes down to it, I may have to express just why I have not been coming around anymore. Politely and friendly as possible, ofcourse. One of them may ask or imply a reason. But I would mainly just keep a distance and continue to be friendly.

@ feather: Thank you for your reply and the hug! *hugs back* As it panned out, the boy didn't turn up today. Maybe we're not meant to play a role in eachothers lives, I don't know. But if I happen upon him again and he wants to come over to my place, I can't say no. You're right though about the offer being reversed someday but if that happens I will simply have to say no and take the consequences. I'm hoping it will just work itself out as so many things do if you're open to it. I will be doing other things with bbygirl, of course and I hope I can find friends with kids some day that I'm actualy comfortable with. The problem is, when you're like me you have different standards of who you want to hang out with. I would love to have people in my life with a certain amount of wisdom and that I feel I can trust with not doing certain things like exposing her to commercials and bad television, radio, food and ideals like School is Good, Obey Authority, Kindergarden is Good, Police is Good, Government will Take Care of Us....but at the same time I don't want to judge anyone or isolate her and myself from the "bad outside world".

Thank you, Mountain and Rick. I am going to take a break now and reply my thoroughly later. I have some things to do.

Rick wrote:
You're right about not asking too many personal questions about his parents, nor will I talk about his parents or about what has happened and how I feel about them.

@ Mountain: Hey girl! It's really nice hearing from you again. I've missed your posts and your presence on DIF. I was wondering where you went

You're right about the family. I will not go over there again but if asked why I am avoiding them I guess I will have to answer truthfully. Meanwhile I will continue to be polite and see what happens.

Thanks guys for your replies. In verbalising this and getting your input I feel I have processed this and reached clarity.

Case closed

There been no crime commited. so just tack a back seat and get out more .You can still be friendly with the neighbours but just have a quite word with the mrs neighbour.

The more you bottle it up the more angry you become. The way they bring up their children is their business.