And take a cork! Maybe have a tot of herbal liquer if you have any.

I'll end up exploding. Or the cork will pop out and it could shoot someone in the head.

Have you lit one yet?

Go on, do it!

Take a kazoo tonight.

Haha, I don't need a kazoo - it already sounds like I've got one in my pants.

Parent's evening went ok - just. But, my stomach is still very distended and I'm ripping them out like nobody's business! I have set alight to farts before. You must never ever do it with a bare arse or synthetic pants or trousers.

For the discerning tin foil hat wearing fart lighter....

The MI6 are controlling my butt with their secret rays or possibly HAARP technology. It feels as if my nipsy it not my own and it's being controlled by some external force. Those tin foil pants could be just the ticket, so thanks for posting.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
Fart lighting should only be carried out in laboratory conditions, kids.

Have you considered offering your bottom as an alternative means of generating power? You might be able to make some cash if you strapped a little wind farm to your waist.

That's true hugo, but first we need to examin fart gas as a renewable. What is the composition?

Well, you may think it's mainly methane, but think again young man! The flammable element is actually more likely to be hydrogen - as in flammable air ships, or in this case - flamable arse-ships.

Nitrogen: 20-90%
Hydrogen: 0-50% (flammable)
Carbon dioxide: 10-30%
Oxygen: 0-10%
Methane: 0-10% (flammable)

I have no fucking clue as to whether it's going to be carbon neutral.

Hugo, if you get some Xylitol sweets, you can join me in changing the world.

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:


I always knew I could do something for mankind, I just never thought it would be with my farts.

irrepressible wrote:
Clucking bell, hospitalised for liquorice. Is it a laxative too?

Hey, just a thought hugo...We could all munch on these Xylitol and sorbitol mints and find a way of powering our forum and inernet devices. Then we can be free and say screw you freemasons, church, joos, feminists, polish,bankers or whoever you are

LesleyPumpshaft wrote:
Masonic, church-going, jewish, feminist, polish, bankers. You jest, but there must surely be some out there and I for one am offended on their behalf.

Ab Origine wrote:
hey, everyone's welcome to have a go on my special ray pants. It might even help them to create their extra set of DNA and escepe the reptilians. You seem my thread with a young Christoper walken. It's' the most beautiful thing I've est eyes on for years,

Here you go Lesley - probably safer than playing with lighters.

Thanks Gilly, a safe and sensible solution. You are a remarkable lady.

Please post your cleavage, as it's a smasher . I would like another naughty thread. Nipples have been done to death, so not sure how to top that.

Fekkin hell! Talk about luck! My mom was just in a car crash... Not a scratch! Not a scratch on our dog either. She was going to our summer house, stopped to wait for a car turning to left, there were two other cars behind her, also stopped, and a semi comes from behind with some serious overspeed and slams through all the three cars. All cars are now in thousand pieces but for some lucky reason, nobody was seriously hurt, only one person had to go to hospital... jeez!

Hexhammer wrote:
Glad to hear your mum wasn't hurt. She had a lucky escape.

Hexhammer wrote:


Lucky escape by all from the sounds of it! Really good to hear your mums alright hex

Bet she's shaken up, but she's OK for the main part. Have you managed o give her a big hug yet?