oioioi wrote:

Thank you to all the folks that have sent me pms checking i am ok, offering support, advice, beds, therapy and more. It makes me cry that you are all so ruddy decent and nice. I'm proper touched.

And

hemingway. The above should show you that you hqve misjudged the place. These are good folks here. And i mean when it really gets down to it. Priceless.

Just got bqck from a lengthy spell of staring out to sea at portcothan. Had a little chat with a seal too.
I don't feel quite as sick at the moment. This morning i spent quite a while looking into the effects of trauma and joined a forum for 'sufferers'. I am kind of glad i did. I have recognised so much of what i have been going through in what i read. Things are making a lot more sense now. I can see how this all relates to the trauma i went through as a kid. I can see how recently the trigger led me to be hyper aware of other's action/inaction. I can see so many painful things. But i am glad.

I honestly don't know if my relationship to ms dub is salvageable. Though i have brought a fair amount of shit to the party of late, she hasn't helped. She has brought a bit of her own. We no longer trust each other as a result and you can't have that. I hope we can get straight but it may just be a case of it went too far.

Sorry to hear you are going through this bad time dubs

One thing I looked at when I was in a similar position was this:

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/K%C3%BCbler-Ross_model
Probably not much help, but it does provide a way to ground youself if things get desperate....
In the meantime "Bloke-Hugs" for you dub bud

dubmeup wrote:
You have me pm if you fancy a chat, Mr.

Generally speaking and painful as it may seem at the moment, ALL change is growth. I speak from experience lately.

I won't bombard you with further cliches, but hang in there, mate. There is a lot of it about lately, and for very good reason, imo, so keep your chin up.

I agree with what Abs said. There is a lot of it about, which doesn't help the way you feel right now dubs....but bounce off all or some of us here.....

hugs

dubmeup wrote:
This is great news Dubs, you are further down the path than you may realise. By addressing these early traumas, or echo's, it will transform your life forever. The triggers will no longer affect you.

Thank you jhads.
I have seen the doctor today and he confirmed this is post traumatic stress disorder and has started the ball rolling on getting me back on track. Sadly he thinks it's going to take a long time and a lot of work and pain but it's got to be done. It isn't fair on me or anyone else to let it continue unchecked. A bit of me does feel better, knowing what it is that's been driving me nuts but an equally big bit is ashamed of it.
Note to self...drinking man up doesn't always help...

dubmeup wrote: Would you be ashamed of a broken leg? There’s no reason for you to feel that way, it’s a shame that mental and emotional health problems are still stigmatised, particularly for men, but you have no reason to feel ashamed. The way you feel is a perfectly natural reaction, and it is something you can get over, it will just take some time and patience. But you shouldn’t beat yourself up about the way that you feel because firstly there is no logical reason to do so, and secondly most people would have responded the same way, and many people far more dramatically so, far more quickly. So don’t be hard on yourself.

Thank you wub.
The shame isn't coming from an outside world stigma. It's coming from me. I know the logic is that i am blameless. I know that the world thinks i did nowt wrong. But that doesn't help unfortunately. I feel huge guilt for being there and surviving when a young father died in a hideous fashion. I feel guilt about wanting to slap him at the exact moment he died. I feel shame that i wasn't big and wise enough to deal with it. Shame that i have let it change me so much and ended up inflicting my inner turmoil on others. Shame that i didn't see what was happening to me. It's been getting worse for months and i didn't take the required action.
I know this is all irrational and also that it is perfectly natural to feel shit after something so horrific but it doesn't stop it.
At least i now know what's been happening though and am on a path to learning how to cope with it.

dubmeup wrote:
I'm sorry dubs, you will turn a corner I promise. I have to apologise as I'm not the most tactile in situations like this so it may not be what you want to hear but I am speaking from experience, not too dissimilar to yours to tell you the truth. I wouldn't try to salvage a relationship with Ms Dubs right now, to be honest until you're partly sorted you're no good for her and she's no good for you.

You've got to get to some sort of straight level first mate, if you love each other some separation won't be a problem in the long run.

I know you think you know right now that its not your fault and stuff, but you don't really. That's why counselling is imperitive for you, its one thing to think logically but another for your heart to accept it. I had a friend say "it's not your fault" over and over until I broke, and you'll get to a point where it'll happen to you, and only then can we move forward.

Like I say I'm sorry that I'm not the most tactile, but I hope you can sense how much I do feel for you in your situation and you will get there mate.

All the best

Thank you silva. The empathy rings through your words. I am sorry you had to endure something similar, imo no-one should ever have to live through anything even close to it. The universe can be a very cruel place.
There is a lot of wisdom in what you say. Tbh i kind of broke down this weekend. Two days of pretty much constant crying. I cried all the way home after the docs today too. Not something i'm used to doing but i know it's part of the process.

dubmeup wrote:
It can be and equally so it is awe-inspiring and beautiful. I think you know that anyway...but sometimes we miss it completely whilst focusing on other things. Nothing wrong with that either, it's kind of why we're here, imo.

As has been said, you've done the hardest bit by realising you have this block. All downhill (in a good way) from here, dude x

Crying is a very good sign, an important part of the healing process

Ab Origine wrote: Absolutely. It is also very therapeutic.
My experience at Porthcothan yesterday being a case in point. I didn't mention it before but I ended up going for a wander up a track I hadn't walked before. I came across a 'rustic' bench overlooking the sea. On the bench was a plaque dedicating it to a 27 year old chap that had died suddenly...The chap that I became intertwined with was 28 on the day he died...I sat crying on that bench for quite a while but somehow it made me feel better.

@ Dubs....Strong chance I'll be down your way in the next couple of weeks.........I'll let you know

Nice one jhads, please do.

jhado wrote: Anyone live near or in Gloucestershire? Everyone else seems to live in or near Manchester.

Wise Haven wrote: Gloucestershire,what country is that in?

Jiggly Bitz. wrote:
LOL - Don't ask me where it is either - don't think anyone else knows as I know no other bugger from her.
"No man is an island," hey - fucking Gloucestershire must be though.....surrounded by sharks - I'm thinking Alcatraz....now, where's my budgie?