I lost my mother and father within ten days of each other and it was horrendous for us siblings to gather together and give the best service we could and also to stick together as a united family to try and wear the pain we felt.

But now a few years later, I don't feel close to my siblings at all.

We've all shrunk back to our own lives and taking less and less interest in each other as time goes on.

I don't think my family is the norm as there's a whole lot of shit that happened before my parents died that divided our family. However, I'm happy at least for outsider's sakes at least that for the sakes of my parents that we looked close and dignified on the days of the funerals and also the arrangements that needed to be made.

I had hope that we might all have stayed in touch like we promised to, but it hasn't happened and we've become ever more distant by the year.

Is this what happens in other families?

I'd be interested in sharing experiences.

There's a load of expectations around 'family' that just doesn't meet up with reality.
It's definitely not like The Waltons or Little House On The Prairie bs.

Each of us do generally develop in our own direction with differing interests and viewpoints and sometimes they just don't match up with each other.

feather wrote:
You are right feather. And to be fair to you and others here, nobody knows the facts of my particular case and obviously can't make any contribution to it.

However, it would be interesting to note just how many people keep up a charade of happy families when in reality it's the furthest from the truth for them and it's more bitter than sweet memories.

For example....I always recall my mother and father being skint and having to go around my new friends with notes asking for loans. I also recall having to go to the pawn every week with my dad's shoes and suit and where the pawn guy felt sorry for me to the point that the suit became so shiny that it didn't have any value on it.

These are just a few examples of what I recall, without even going into the horrendous stuff of my childhood.

o_rourke wrote:

This sounds like a mirror image of my life

Only difference I live by myself see my girlfriend and son for a couple of hours a day then back to work again. Start work at 18..30 finish at 06.30 drive 50 miles back home have 5 hours sleep then see my son then back to work again. Yes the joys of paying a mortgage off.

nirvana wrote:
Reading through the lines Nirvana, like me, you are not saying too much of the pain you feel.

It's like a cross between dignity, loyalty and sheer pain that keeps us from blowing the whilstle so to speak.

I get you xx

o_rourke wrote:

I feel an absolute prisoner but if i dont work I lose my house.

I lost both my parents few years ago can be a very lonley time especially if you spend so much time by yourself aswel.

Know what you mean

nirvana wrote:
Yes absolutely.

Sounds to me that you have loads bottled up with peeps now that your parents are gone.

For me. I'm in a turmoil how I feel about both my parents and my siblings.

o_rourke wrote:


Its a tough one .I would love to be able just to go round my mums for sunday lunch but thats like a past life now. Since my parents died i feel alot older now and feel my youth is gone.

But you just have to keep yourself focused .Not seen my brothers for a couple of years even thoe they live in the same town becoming more like strangers now.

O Rourke

I think the image of familys getting along simply because they are related is nonsense

My brother sexually abused me and it took until I was 30 to tell anyone about.it. The reason I did was because he kept trying to get in my sons bed.

My son was hiding under his bed with his drunk uncle on his bed saying 'he's touching me mum'

I went to the polce. This has caused a rift in my remaining family members because some don't blieve me and won't have a bad word said about my borther

No happy families here either. I do have a good relationship with my mother and see her every few months, haven't seen the sperm donor for as long as I can remember nor the brother from that relationship....Don't want to or feel any pain from that either. They're both tossers.

dawnbreak wrote:
Thanks for being so open about your experience dawnbreak. I had a similar experience with my stepdad....the one who died right after my mother.

I've had a horrendous time with my siblings before and after the deaths.

I guess they'd rather forget it all by pretending I don't exist.

dubmeup wrote:
Keep your chin up dubmeup and glad that you still have a close relationship with your mum. I bet though, that she's the one that you really feel you need to talk to but feel it will split relationships even further......and therefore alienating you from the one person you feel close to.

I get on really well with my sister & my mum. Generally, I get on with both my brothers, but they live further afield, so I don't see them that often.

I only go to visit my dad once or twice a year. I don't much like the old bastard. But he does try to compensate for his bastardliness by being generous with his grandchildren.

o_rourke wrote:
Cheers We're not what I'd call close, we just have a good working relationship. The time where I felt the need to talk about stuff is long gone. Made my peace with childhood quite a while ago now. My mission moved to making sure that the relationships with my children never get to be as fucked up as mine were. So far all's good with that plan

Some sad stories here. Thanks for sharing, though. @ dawn - you've been really brave! I take my hat off to you!

There's no real reason why we should get on with our families just because we're blood-related. You can't force love where none exists, and it's much better to be honest about it - at least to yourself. I've had my ups and downs with my lot for various reasons but I've always got on well with my brother and mostly OK with my mum. I'm the kind of person who will avoid an argument at any costs so mostly I leave the more lairy of my family members alone!

Mandy

The only one I really bother with is my mum, see some other relatives at gatherings or when visiting other people, I have never really been a big family person. I let them be and expect them to do the same for me.

I don't trust anyone, there are reasons I wont go in to.

It was suggested I have counselling, yes, and can I trust that counsellor to not tell anyone else? its nothing criminal. I am worried about the way information gets passed around these days. I had counselling years ago and I think that may have caused more problems for me.

At least it's a plus Gilly if your kids get some kind of love and satisfaction from your own unhappiness xx

And Quietgirl, thanks for your support. i just wish I'd shut my mouth many times and not been so aggressive with my siblings. It wasn't their fault and they were hurting too. There's a lot I want to take back but too late now.

I get on great with my mum, but me and my sister have never gotten on, no dislike, just no interest.

Now I'm separated from my wife, my mum expects me to be closer to my sister, can't see it myself.

silvershine wrote:
Yes counselling can be a fckr. I must admit when I was receiving it.......especially group counselling, that I felt the most normal person in the room. I hated it in all forms and felt it was intrusive and for some reason I instantly used to feel cured when it was suggested to me. But years later I still feel haunted and like I have some kind of handicap. I guess nobody in the world can cure that.

jhado wrote:
That's a difficult one. Your mum has probably always detected that you weren't close to your sibling. Perhaps in tying to fuse this relationship she can also shed some light on why you are not close. xx