As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm
and dignified reception from the Queen.

They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change
to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on
towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons;
all is going well.



Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever
heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the
carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but,
the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.

The Queen politely turns to President Obama:
"Mr President, please, accept my regrets... I am sure you understand there are
some things that even a Queen cannot control."

Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded:
"Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it,
I thought it was one of the horses."


Moral of the story: "Silence is Golden"

A guy asked a girl in a university library: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied with a loud voice: "I DON 'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was truly embarrassed.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy 's table and said,
"I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?

The guy then responded with a loud voice: $500 FOR ONE NIGHT? THAT 'S TOO MUCH!
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The guy whispered in her ear: "I study law, and I know how to screw people"

You never realize how many people you hate until you have to name a baby..!!

Here's a funny football one .

Celtic captain Scott Brown was asked in a press conference his opinion on Rangers player Lee McCulloch's comments saying that

"there is no difference in quality between the scottish 1st div and the premier .

Scott Brown replied "I wouldn't know I have never played in the 1st div"

www.amazon.com/Images-SI-Inc-Uranium-Ore...bs_b_8?tag=ohmy0c-20

The comments and reviews are priceless.

"This is like the time we had an guy from another country at work who hadn't a clue. He quite boldly said,"If you ever get stopped for drinking and driving and the Police are going to talk to you, put a penny in your mouth". We looked astonished at him. Finally I couldn't help but break the stunned silence and blurted out, "You mean you should just suck on some copper"? Everyone was rolling on the floor." - Unknown

An Indian, a Black, a Muslim and an Australian were walking together on Bondi Beach when the Black stumbled over a bottle in the sand. He picked up the bottle, rubbed it, and....a Genie appeared !

"I can only grant four wishes," the Genie said. "Since there are four of you, you may have one wish apiece"

Pointing at the Black, he said, "Since you found the bottle, you may have the first wish"

The Black thought for a moment then said, "I wish for a fleet of ships so that I can gather all my people and take them back to our homeland."

Poof! It was done! Thousands of ships appeared on the skyline.

The Indian said, "I wish for enough aircraft to take all my peoples back to our homeland!"

Poof! It was done! Row after row of aircraft filled the sky.

The Muslim said, "I wish for a hundred thousand camels to take all of my people way from this horrible country loaded with infidels so we can live in peace in Muslim countries and serve the Prophet Allah."

Poof! It was done! A hundred thousand camels suddenly appeared on the beach.

Turning to the Australian, the Genie asked, "And what is your wish?"

The Aussie watched as the loaded aircraft began moving toward the runway, then looked out to sea and watched the loaded ships sailing out into the sunset, then he looked at all of the Muslims getting on top of the camels and riding off.

He said, "Look, just give me a cold beer. It really doesn't get any better than this !!!!!!

Keith decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Keith's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard.

They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbour’s will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Keith said, 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn, and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.'

The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night.

Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.

They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Keith got an unexpected letter from an attorney.

It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that really attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes!,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy, I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

Don’t you just hate it?? ...


You get all dressed up ....hot to trot!!!...


then you catch yourself in a mirror and REALIZE...


you forgot the lipstick...


the whole look gone to custard right there.
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This is a story about the bond formed between a little girl and a group of building workers. It's allegedly true and might help to confirm your belief in the goodness of people and that there is hope for the human race....................

A young family moved into a house next door to an empty plot. One day, a gang of building workers turned up to start building on the plot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and started talking with the workers.

She hung around and eventually the builders, all with hearts of gold, more or less adopted the little girl as a sort of project mascot. They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had tea and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important.

They even gave the child her very own hard hat and gloves, which thrilled her immensely.

At the end of the first week, the smiling builders presented her with a pay envelope - containing $10 in 50c coins. The little girl took her 'pay' home to her mother who suggested that they take the money to the bank the next day to open a savings account.

At the bank, the female cashier was tickled pink listening to the little girl telling her about her 'work' on the building site and the fact she had a 'pay packet'.

'You must have worked very hard to earn all this', said the cashier.

The little girl proudly replied, 'Yes, I worked every day with Steve and Wayne and Mike. We're building a big house.'

'My goodness gracious,' said the cashier, 'And will you be working on the house again next week?'

The child thought for a moment. Then she said seriously:

'I think so. Provided those wankers at the builders yard deliver the fucking bricks on time.'

What deep thinkers men are...

I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer.The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking on various topics.

Finally I thought about an age old question:

Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the bollocks?

Women always maintain that giving birth is far more painful than a bloke getting kicked in the bollocks.

Well, after another beer, and some heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with the answer to that question.

Getting kicked in the bollocks is more painful than having a baby; and here is the reason for my conclusion.

A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child."

On the other hand, you never hear a bloke say, "You know, I think I'd like another kick in the bollocks."

I rest my case. Time for another beer.

smoking...

I now realize I smoke for simply one reason, and that is spite. I hate you non-smokers with all of my little black fucking heart, you obnoxious, self-righteous, whining little fucks, my biggest fear, if I quit smoking, is that I'll become one of you. Now don't take that wrong. How many non-smokers do we have here tonight? By round of applause, non-smokers. A few of you. Good, 'cause I have something to tell you. I do. I have something to tell you non-smokers, and this is for you and you only, because I know for a fact that you don't know this. And I feel it's my duty to pass on information at all times, so that we can all learn, evolve, and get the fuck off this planet. Non-smokers, this is for you and you only, ready? Non-smokers die every day. Sleep tight...
People'll say the stupidest things sometimes too, "Hey, man, if you quit smoking you get your sense of smell back." I live in New York City, I got news for you-I don't want my fucking sense of smell back. (Sniffs) Is that urine? (Sniffs) I think I smell a dead guy! Honey, look, a dead guy! Covered in urine, check this out! Someone just pee'd on this guy, that's fresh. Just think, if I'd been smoking I never would have found him! A urine-covered dead fella, what're the odds? Thank God I quit smoking, now I can enjoy the wonders of New York, honey, look!

I'm Bill Hicks and I'm dead now because I smoked cigarettes. Cigarettes didn't kill me, a bunch of non-smokers kicked the shit out of me one day. I tried to run, they had more energy than I. I tried to hide, they heard me wheezing. Many of them smelled me. (Sniffing sounds) "There he is, get him!" (Pants) "Oh, he's hardly fucking moving, this is pathetic!" (Pants) "Look, he's still trying to get away, he's like a roach, step on him!" (Pants) "Squash him!" "Let's kill him and pee on him. Yeah!"

drugs...

How about a positive LSD story, that would be newsworthy. Don't you think? Anybody think that? Just once, to hear a positive LSD story. "Today, a young man on acid, realised that all matter is merely energy condensed to a slow vibration. That we are all one consciousness experiencing itself subjectively, there is no such thing as death, life is only a dream, and we are the imagination of ourselves... here's Tom with the weather."
Your denial is beneath you and thanks to the use of hallucenogenic drugs, I see through you.

I believe that God left certain drugs growing naturally upon our planet to help speed up and facilitate our evolution. OK, not the most popular idea ever expressed. Either that or you're all real high and agreeing with me in the only way you can right now. (starts blinking)

They lie about marijuana. Tell you pot-smoking makes you unmotivated. Lie. When you're high, you can do everything you normally do, just as well, you just realise, it's not worth the fucking effort. There is a difference.

religion...

A lot of Christians where crosses around their necks. You think when Jesus comes back he ever wants to see a fucking cross? It's kinda like going up to Jackie Onassis with a little sniper rifle pendant. "Hey Jackie, just thinking of John."
You ever noticed how people who believe in creationism look really unevolved? Ya ever noticed that? Eyes real close together, eyebrow ridges, big furry hands and feet. "I believe God created me in one day" Yeah, looks liked He rushed it.

I love talking about the Kennedy assasination. The reason I do is because I'm fascinated by it. I'm fascinated that our government could lie to us so blatantly, so obviously for so long, and we do absolutely nothing about it. I think that's interesting in what is ostensibly a democracy. Sarcasm - come on in. People say, "Bill, quit talking about Kennedy man. It was a long time ago, just let it go, alright? It's a long time ago, just forget it." I'm like, alright, then don't bring up Jesus to me. As long as we're talking shelf life here...

sex...

Are there actually women in the world who do not like to give blowjobs? See a lot of guys on dates got their fingers crossed here tonight... "Answer him, honey, go ahead. Let's hear how you feel about this right now." A woman one night yelled out, "Yeah, you ever try it?" I said, yeah. Almost broke my back. It's that one vertebrae, I swear to God, it's that close. I think that vertebrae is going to be the thing to go in our next evolutionary step. Just a theory and a fervent prayer. Yeah, now all the guys are going, "Honey, I have no idea what he's talking about. I think he's a devil-child." That may be true, but guys, yyyyyou know what I'm talking about. I can speak for every guy in this room here tonight, guys, if you could blow yourselves, ladies, you'd be in this room alone right now. Watching an empty stage.
I am available for children's parties, by the way. Some of y'all might have a young'un coming of age, and not want to go the traditional, clown/balloon animal route this year, you might want to look me up - "Beezlebozo." Clown from hell. "Hi, kids, it's Beezlebozo time! Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never smoked a cigarette? C'mere, kids!" (kissing noises) "What's your name?" (little boy voice) "Tommy." "Tommy, how old are you?" "Five." "Five years old, and you mean to tell Beezlebozo you're not smoking cigarettes yet? C'mere, Tommy!" (kissing noises, hacking) "Hold it in." "Mommy!" "Nope, it's Beezlebozo time. "Tell me something, who here out of you young'uns has never watched a skin flick? C'mere, kids! See them, them's titties!" "Mommy!" "That is your mommy. It's Beezlebozo time." Clown from hell...

america...

I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year, after the show I went to a Waffle House, I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me, "Tch tch tch tch. Hey, what you readin' for?" Is that like the weirdest fucking question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading for. Well, godammit, you stumped me. Why do I read? Well... hmmm... I guess I read for a lot of reasons, and the main one, is so I don't end up, being a fucking waffle waitress.
I personally do not believe in burning the flag. It's a personal belief, but I'll tell you something, I think people are overreacting, oh, just a little bit. "Hey buddy, my daddy died for that flag." Well, I bought mine. Sorry. You know they sell them at K-Mart for three bucks, you're in, you're out, brand new flag, no violence was necessary. "Hey buddy, my daddy died in the Korean war for that flag." What a coincidence - my flag was made in Korea!

I finally got my own show on TV coming out this fall as a replacement series. Don't worry, it's not a talk show. Thank God! It's a half-hour weekly show that I will host, entitled 'Let's Hunt and Kill Billy Ray Cyrus' I think it's fairly self-explanatory: Each week we let the Hounds of Hell loose and chase that jar-head, no-talent, cracker idiot all over the globe 'til I finally catch that fruity little pony tail of his, pull him to his Chippendale knees, and put a shot gun in his mouth like a big black cock of death -- Pow! Then we'll be back in '94 with 'Let's Hunt and Kill Michael Bolton.' And we're kicking the whole series off with our M.C. Hammer/Vanilla Ice/Marky Mark Christmas Special.

hugorune wrote:

OMFG!!! Is that for real?!!!

Coffee Morning in Rome


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square.

The first Catholic man tells his friends,
"My son is a priest. When he walks into
A room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps,
"My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says,
"My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'."


The fourth Catholic man says very proudly,
"My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."


Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies,
"I have a daughter,


SLIM

TALL

38D BREASTS

24"WAIST and

36"HIPS.






When she walks into a room, people say,

"Jesus!".

The telly producer who thought this needed a layer of canned laughter needs dragging round the back of the wood shed but the kids are magic.

Snake-handling preacher dies from bite after refusing anti-venom

rt.com/usa/snake-handling-pastor-dies-334/



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