I'm the only one in this room professional enough, that I know of, to carry this Glock40...

What happened next?

Dougal was a typical Scot. His wife Janet had just died and he wanted to place the least expensive death notice. He went to the newspaper office and wrote on the lodgement form, "Janet died."
The clerk explained that there was a minimum charge and he could have five words. Dougal added three more words: "Janet died, Toyota for sale."




A Scotsman phones a dentist to enquire about the cost for a tooth extraction

"85 pounds for an extraction, sir" the dentist replied.

"85 quid! Huv ye no'got anythin' cheaper?"

"That's the normal charge," said the dentist.

"Whit aboot if ye didnae use any anaesthetic?"

"That's unusual, sir, but I could do it and would knock 15 pounds off."

"Whit aboot if ye used one of your dentist trainees and still without any anaesthetic?"

"I can't guarantee their professionalism and it'll be painful. But the price could drop by 20 pounds."

"How aboot if ye make it a trainin' session, ave yer student do the extraction with the other students watchin' and learnin'?"

"It'll be good for the students", mulled the dentist. "I'll charge you 5 pounds but it will be traumatic."

"Och, now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal," said the Scotsman. "Can ye confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday then?"



This Scottish bloke goes on a skiing holiday to Canada.

After a hard day on the slopes he retires to a bar at the bottom of the mountain.

After about five or six whiskeys, he looks up and notices a stuffed animal with antlers on the wall.

He asks the barman, "What the …. is that?"

The barman says, "It's a Moose."

The Scottish chap says, "…. me! How big are the cats?"

toyota for sale

A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
'Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken.
'Okay,' says her dad. 'Where are you ringing fae?'
'Fae ma knickers tae ma feet.'

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a Hawaiian and an Alaskan), an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovak, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, an Iranian, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Syrian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Canadian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and two Africans........

........walk into a fine restaurant.

"I'm sorry," says the maître d', after scrutinizing the group,


































































"You can't come in here without a Thai"

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates.. He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed. Having arrived at the Gates of Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.
"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.
"No, my son. I am Peter.. Mohammed is higher up than me." And he points to a staircase that rises into the clouds. Delighted that Mohammed should be higher than St Peter, he climbs the staircase in great strides, climbs through the clouds coming to a room where he meets another bearded man.
He asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Moses. Mohammed is higher still."
Exhausted, but with a heart full of joy he continues to climb the staircase and, yet again, he discovers an even larger room where he meets another man with a beard.
Full of hope, he asks again, "Are you Mohammed?"
"No, I am Jesus... You will find Mohammed higher up."
Mohammed higher than Jesus! The poor man can hardly contain his delight and climbs and climbs, ever higher. Once again he reaches an even larger room where he meets a man with a beard and repeats his question:
"Are you Mohammed?" he gasps as he is, by now, totally out of breath from all his climbing.
"No my son.....I am God. But you look exhausted. Would you like a coffee?"
"Yes, please, my Lord."
God looks behind him, claps his hands and calls out:
"HEY Mohammed, two coffees !!!!"

LMAO @ this wee guy arguing with his mum.........

... I have me one of those and it doesn't get any better, in fact it gets worse - he's a fucking nightmare now bUT I wouldn't have it any other way

i showed my daughter the wee guy arguing video above and she said "Check these two wee bams having a great time......"
Try not to laugh at them.

and



and



and finally

I didn't know she had it in her.

That's slightly disturbing.